My life now…

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The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

 

Excerpt #20

 

 

It was a real setback when I realised there was no school in London anymore. I tried some classes for a couple of years, but found them too basic. On the one hand, it was nice to dance again, and on the other hand, I missed doing it at the level I had danced at before. I did some rod exercises, some simple forms and some music eurythmy on a Sunday, but all the time I missed Bella. She was unique and nothing was ever going to change that. All the time I hoped to bump into Haydn, but I never did. It was a false hope.

Why could I not accept the past was over and I had to move on from it?

In 2015, there was something that happened that gave me hope, but hope can sometimes trip you up. I wanted to teach and perform like I used to, and one day I thought this was all going to change. I did not expect it, but was it worth getting my hopes up again?

In this year, I moved to a beautiful top floor maisonette flat and I made a couple of new friends. I also started volunteering at the National Cat Adoption Centre. I kept thinking about eurythmy and whether I should go back into it. After I settled into my flat, I decided to go to a class and there was no one else there. I was amazed when the teacher asked if I wanted to be in the stage group. I said I would love to, and she said she would email me. Everyday I went on my phone, waiting for an email, and she did not send me one. So… I decided to email her. She then emailed to say they were not ready to take new people on. I thought that was wrong, after having asked me. I burst into tears and kept thinking eurythmy just is not right for me anymore. I also applied for a teaching job in London and did not hear anything back, from that application.

I was by now so fed up with the sense of rejection I felt whenever I came into the Steiner world. I went to see the Festival for the Dead that I was supposed to be in and was so unhappy that I left without giving a donation. I saw going back into the stage group as a real opportunity that was then lost. I sometimes don’t understand how I had achieved so much when I was young, and then had it all taken away from me. I have lost the faith to do it the way I used to do it and I have found other things in my life that have replaced eurythmy.

I do think Bella would have wanted me in the stage group and it all went to pot when she died. I think I am not accepted because what of happened in the past, but I just don’t know. But there are new things in my life now and plenty to live for.

However, the new flat was amazing. It was newly painted, with a plush bathroom and kitchen.

Lily has settled in really well now. She has her own cat flap! I rescued her… but, more importantly, she rescued me.

Feeling good is what life is all about. It is really important to live in a place where you feel comfortable, and this new place gave me a new lease of life.

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

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