Essays on a Theme #4: About love

heart

The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

 

Excerpt #18

 

Love is all that is needed in the world, and bad things occur when there is a lack of love.

Love makes dreams come true and love will make us all happy.

Love is at the heart of the white butterflies and eurythmy is a spiritual dance full of love.

Love is: being kind to yourself.

Love is: forgiving others.

Meditation helps quiet the mind and control our responses to the world and so does eurythmy.

Love is there in the morning and the last thing at night.

Love helps heal grief.

Love is there when the music stops.

Give love and you will receive it.

At the heart of the white butterflies is love eternal… and a new dance.

The White Butterflies is my personal story of dance tinged with hope. It shows how I soared to the heights of creativity.

 

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

Marcia Lake is on Facebook and Instagram too.

 

Essays on a Theme #3: Before and after

dawn

The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

 

Excerpt #17

 

I entered the stillness of my mind and looked back, with fondness. There, I saw a mirror image of eternity that I remember one day took me over the edge. I was ascending an escalator.

I counted the minutes of my shift and felt the alertness of my consciousness. I saw the green tree envelop me with its leaves and help me to breathe.

I woke full of dreams of a forgotten time.

I drove my car listening to iridescent music and I found the light enfold me. Then I took a side step and saw my future. I saw the petals unfold; I saw my past like a lingering scent of perfume.

I awoke in the morning, under the watchful gaze of the morning sun. I saw how I was held by a light in the future; and how all the colours would emerge. I would still see myself smiling there being happy. I remember futile dreams and I let go of them. I saw how I travelled up to London with excitement as a professional dancer. I saw my past, present and future. I saw how it illuminated me.

If I was to embrace that young woman I would say to her, “I don’t hate you anymore. I know you tried your best. I won’t judge you anymore. I hold you in light for all eternity. You are set on your path now.”

It is autumn and the colours are a vast array of yellow, brown and red.

We are in double dreamtime.

She is at peace now as the wind blows gently from Bella, and she said to her future self, “Bring your own story of dance to the world. Let it envelop you and hold you in its midst. Let it feed you. Let it take hold of your heart in every way possible.”

Suddenly… her future self disappeared as the multiple reality took shape. Past, present and future took hold of her in their whimsical way.

Bella’s words fell soft as night, “I will always be with you.”

There is a giant window to the world where multiple realities exist and that is where the white butterflies reside. Be gentle with yourself. And at that, she chooses to be gentle like a rippling wave, to take over the vacancy of her heart – before and after.

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

Marcia Lake is on Facebook and Instagram too.

 

Essays on a Theme #2: Floating in time

cc

The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

 

Excerpt #16

 

The dream speaks to me without words. I can see black and white images, but I can’t decode the meaning; though, if I could, I would be lost. It was by a graveside at 23. I could see her and it meant something. The coloured images were absent, but the intent was there.

Now, after all this time, I am left with this dream and its meaning. It reminds me of other dreams I have had. I can see her and smell her perfume. I think it must have been French. She was saying goodbye to me in a dream. I feel giddy from the thought of it, but I have to let it go.

My dreams often stay with me for years and so has this one. If I could go back, I would see those black and white images and know what they mean.

I remember the room where I stayed and the Spartan belongings I had. I wore black mascara and a silk dress. I had time in the morning to reflect, whilst listening to meditative chants on a CD.

I am haunted by that dream. I wish it would disappear from my mind, but it just will not.

Like many of the vivid dreams I have had, it came true!

Time fades memory, but beauty remains hidden in the curved moon. If you try to hold onto something too closely, it can fall away. Time can also play tricks with your mind.

I want to go back in time, and remember those singing lessons and all that creativity. I want to savour it more. I had high hopes for the future. I remember singing in my car. I remember how young I was and the fights I had with teachers. Maybe I was courageous and less anxious? I was building my life up from the inside, back then.

Please release me from this dream, as I try and bless it. Look what those years have done to me, but still I am free from the burdens of my past.

I see the white butterflies beckoning me again.

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

Marcia Lake is on Facebook and Instagram too.

 

Essays on a Theme #1: A light in the dark

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The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

Excerpt #15

 

There is a light in the dark, but I can’t always see it. I see glimmers of it in my dreams. It makes my heart ache. I ache for the past and I yearn for it. I want to see Bella again. She was the eurythmy and without her dancing has died for me.

There is a light in the dark.

There is always hope in the present, but memories trip me up and play games with my mind. Angels whisper secrets of a forgotten time. I have moved on with my life, but still there is a vacancy; something is still missing. There is a secret to all of this – there is also a mystery that keeps me going through the hard days.

There is a light in the dark.

It was her who inspired me and took me on a journey in my youth. She was in a magazine recently and she pops up from time to time, in dreams.

When I was young, I took eurythmy for granted. I did not think I could ever be without it. I thought I could water the shoots easily, but alas, time has eroded them. I was not grateful enough for what I had and it is gone. I thought I would dance professionally until I was old, but it was only for seven years.

In the background, my life was making its way, with patterns and a rainbow nearby. I did not know it would all end. I did not know I would become unwell and have my dancing taken away from me so cruelly. What am I to do now? I should reflect on what I have done since. I should realise it was all not a waste.

Remember the sweet roses – remember how they made me feel. I still have my dreams and I will never let go of them. I will keep them close to me always. People have come and gone from my life, but dancing in my youth always stays. It is a flicker of a memory that fades into black and white. I wish I had more of a sense of who I was back then. I lived in the moment more, but also with moods; I was not in control of them.

Colour fades to black and white and twilight images cloud my mind. I want them to go and leave me alone. I want to be left alone. I want peace. That is why I will try to go back. But maybe it is beyond repairing – in this life.

There is a light in the dark.

If I pause to take a breath I can feel the dancing pulsing in my blood still. It had made me who I am and that has got to be worth something after all.

There is a light in the dark.

That light is me.

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

Marcia Lake is on Facebook and Instagram too.

 

The Year 6/7 performance…

railway-line

The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

 

Excerpt #14

 

I only taught for one year in the Steiner School, but I managed to get the children to do a wonderful performance. Class 6 managed very difficult rod exercises. One of the boys could be very difficult, so I was proud of him. Class 7 girls were natural at eurythmy and we did a flowing form to a piece of music in a square. We also did the intervals. What is nice about teaching older children is that it’s possible to bring out their natural creativity and artistic side. I felt the children liked eurythmy more than I thought they were going to. I also had the audience clapping away to a Beatles song, and we made them laugh with a Wendy Cope poem about a shrink.

Maybe I should have been more pedagogical, but I am still proud of the artistic side I brought to my teaching. It was still an achievement, despite my breakdown to come. I wish I could have been a teacher for a longer period of time, but it was not meant to be.

I hold those children dear to my heart always. They taught me how to bring joy and love to eurythmy. I am sure they will grow up to be well-rounded adults. They were a joy to know.

I want to share with you one of the strongest dreams of my life.

It took place ten years after my last eurythmy dance.

In the dream, I am asleep and Christ is by my bed. His light is so strong. He simply says, ‘This is your time.’

I’d been writing about my training years ago and I am older now and thinking of going back. I think the message might be connected with eurythmy. I feel such peace after this experience. I could see the greater good. I am so grateful for this experience. It has helped me. I only have to remember it and I feel happy and protected.

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

Marcia Lake is on Facebook and Instagram too.

 

Loving Angels instead…

guardian-angel

The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

I am now thirty-five and have angels by my side. And, for the first time, I feel that the white butterflies are here, too. There is hope.

Excerpt #13

I am in the present now. I have had a dream and seen the white butterflies. There is a place in heaven where the white butterflies reside. They take hold of you and purify you. They give you faith for the future. I have seen them in my dream. They are a token of love. They illuminate the darkest parts of your self. They tell me not to worry; everything is fine as it is. They lighten everything inside of you. They help you to forgive people. They help you to love again – and even laugh. Everyone has a gift and mine is the white butterflies. There is nothing to fear. Pause and take time to breathe.

***

One day, I felt a strong light take hold of me. Everyone can have a life changing moment and this was mine. I’ve been to the deepest place inside myself and found the white butterflies. They flutter around my heart and sing to a sweet tune.

I will stand tall in the knowledge that I am protected by angels. I will take Bella with me for the rest of my life. What is scary is not the darkness – but the light. I want to bring a message of love to the world.

In two weeks’ time, I am going to see a performance. The white butterflies will start to bring me out of my shell. I don’t know where this will all lead me, but I know I am going to a nice place. I see my future and it’s full of light. There is a rainbow on the other side. I smell the sweet roses and I am free at last.

Two Letters

Haydn has not been on my mind for a while but I feel I want to make amends with him, so I write him a card. I said if I could go back I would have appreciated him and Bella more. It is 2013 and a lot of water has passed under the bridge. I tell him I went into an abyss, but see a beautiful rainbow ahead of me. I write another letter, asking if there is a performance I can come to. I don’t hear anything back, but find a performance coming up for those who have died. Will I have the guts to go? Is there still a place for me?

 A Trip to the College

I wake up with fear and feel so nervous. Today I am going to London after many years. It is November the 24th. I catch a train with hesitation. My stomach is in knots.

What if Hikari is there? How will my old friend feel about me now?

People know I lost the plot. It’s not easy for me. I could not do it alone. What am I going to say to Bella’s husband? I only can be myself. I want to ask him if I can do eurythmy with him again. I don’t know what he will say. Can I let the past go? I really need to now.

The forms that I need for training went into the bin, after my first breakdown. I have nothing left. There is no time like the present, though. I need to be brave. The energy is free in my body. This time with more joy than ever before.

My mother comes with me and reassures me. Everything will be okay. We wander around Oxford Street and take in the lights. We eat jacket potatoes and then it is on to the College. As we are walking in the dark, we nearly get lost, then I find the right road that leads to the College. Memories play games with my mind. I had lived here for a year in my twenties. I was so young then. I clutch at a stone to get rid of anxiety and walk into the book shop. Suddenly, I see Susie. She is shocked to see me, but pleasantly surprised. I have not seen her in years. She used to be in the class above me.

I find out that the College closed down officially in the summer, through lack of students. There would be no more eurythmy for me. I am so very sad to hear this news.

In a dream, Bella told me to come back here; I realise my spiritual experiences don’t always match reality.

I look in front of me. There is Hikari! She gives me a warm hug. I sent her a not very nice text when I was ill but she does not seem to remember. We seemed to have at least cleared the air, and are amicable to each other. Then I see Haydn and he says, “The other day I found your card.” He had a cold and mechanical air about him and I saw no point in chatting on, as there is no school anymore and he is going to Germany to teach.

I light a candle on the stage, then sit with my mum quietly in the theatre. I was the first one to graduate here, so long ago now.

The eurythmy starts; I had forgotten how beautiful it was. I don’t see many dancers that I used to know. I realise by watching this it will always have a place in my heart, but it is not the same without Bella. This was a 45-minute performance in memory of those who have died. It goes very quickly. I talk to Susie briefly, then mum and I decide to make our way home. On our journey back, I feel tears longing to leave me. That night is a heavy one as memories push and pull on my heart. It is not meant to be. Maybe it is all over? But I’ve got a feeling something else will turn up. I guess it always does.

Susie is one of the nicest people I have ever known. She lives in Sussex, and was a great support to me through my training. When I was in tears, she came up to me and said, “Everybody finds it hard.”

It just so happened that I mentioned my dad still had his place in Surrey and a couple of weeks later, I received a card from Susie with a photograph of me as a young dancer, lined up with the others. When I received it, a strange thing happened; I burst into tears. I saw myself as young and full of hope for the future. I sent her a card with my number on it, and she eventually phoned me. Susie invited me to come and see her. I want to reminisce about old times, it will be lovely and who knows what I will find out.

She had a typical Steiner house, she was pleasant and we had delightful conversations, but it was clear that nothing was the same as when I was young. I saw a picture of Bella, but it made me sad. We spoke about old times, as if trying to replicate them. But who knows what will happen in the future? You just never know.

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

Marcia Lake is on Facebook and Instagram too.

 

The plot gets lost: Bono and I

bono

The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me

It all started here – with a fantasy, with a dream. I have written about this in Grace… but now I have a different story to tell.

Excerpt #12

The first time I lost the plot was the most difficult. I was convinced that I was not ill, but everyone told me I was. There were different men in my head. There was the man on the escalator and Bono, too. I had a dream about Bono and was convinced I was connected with him and he would save me. I remember that a teacher told me in a dream that my parents were not my real parents. That dream took me over the edge – and it is when I fell deeper into the abyss. Mental illness is sometimes caused by the most innocent of dreams. Being naïve does not help.

I took a trip to the School to give a letter to the teacher in charge. It was a summary of how badly I had been treated at the school. Luckily, she was not there and I gave it to someone to pass on. I was sure I did not get paid for six months of my teaching. I felt they all thought I was a head-case and did not know what to do with me.

I went to the College to give a letter to the teacher, saying I wanted to meet the man on the escalator… I also gave them back Bella’s red eurythmy shoes.

The first time I got ill was a horrible experience. I lost a lot of weight and could not work out who was good or bad. I refused every doctor that tried to help me. I locked myself in a room and posted letters to various people, thinking my real name was Maria.

An ambulance pulled up in the high street and police forced me down the stairs into a noisy ambulance. I was convinced that I was being saved. My mum burst into tears. Where is Bella and eurythmy now?

I wrote poems in the ambulance. I was like a child; so innocent. I thought that famous people were waiting for me. I needed water, but there was none, but there were my voices.

When I arrived at Epsom Hospital, I nearly died from the fright…

Forest Dreams #4

I am locked in a psychiatric ward and I can’t get out. I am in a deep, black forest where spirits of the lower orders abound. They give me a promise of a new life. It feels like I am going to die, but with each passing moment I am alive.

I have immersed myself in the forest and, until I see the light, I will not come out. My voices help me. I feel so bad and I have to get out of here. What has eurythmy done to me? I blame that for everything. I don’t get a wink of sleep. I am falling into a deep black forest. What have I done to deserve this? Am I bad in some way? Or am I too good?

 

Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018

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You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.

Marcia Lake is on Facebook and Instagram too.