The White Butterflies: Eurythmy & Me
I am now thirty-five and have angels by my side. And, for the first time, I feel that the white butterflies are here, too. There is hope.
I am in the present now. I have had a dream and seen the white butterflies. There is a place in heaven where the white butterflies reside. They take hold of you and purify you. They give you faith for the future. I have seen them in my dream. They are a token of love. They illuminate the darkest parts of your self. They tell me not to worry; everything is fine as it is. They lighten everything inside of you. They help you to forgive people. They help you to love again – and even laugh. Everyone has a gift and mine is the white butterflies. There is nothing to fear. Pause and take time to breathe.
One day, I felt a strong light take hold of me. Everyone can have a life changing moment and this was mine. I’ve been to the deepest place inside myself and found the white butterflies. They flutter around my heart and sing to a sweet tune.
I will stand tall in the knowledge that I am protected by angels. I will take Bella with me for the rest of my life. What is scary is not the darkness – but the light. I want to bring a message of love to the world.
In two weeks’ time, I am going to see a performance. The white butterflies will start to bring me out of my shell. I don’t know where this will all lead me, but I know I am going to a nice place. I see my future and it’s full of light. There is a rainbow on the other side. I smell the sweet roses and I am free at last.
Haydn has not been on my mind for a while but I feel I want to make amends with him, so I write him a card. I said if I could go back I would have appreciated him and Bella more. It is 2013 and a lot of water has passed under the bridge. I tell him I went into an abyss, but see a beautiful rainbow ahead of me. I write another letter, asking if there is a performance I can come to. I don’t hear anything back, but find a performance coming up for those who have died. Will I have the guts to go? Is there still a place for me?
A Trip to the College
I wake up with fear and feel so nervous. Today I am going to London after many years. It is November the 24th. I catch a train with hesitation. My stomach is in knots.
What if Hikari is there? How will my old friend feel about me now?
People know I lost the plot. It’s not easy for me. I could not do it alone. What am I going to say to Bella’s husband? I only can be myself. I want to ask him if I can do eurythmy with him again. I don’t know what he will say. Can I let the past go? I really need to now.
The forms that I need for training went into the bin, after my first breakdown. I have nothing left. There is no time like the present, though. I need to be brave. The energy is free in my body. This time with more joy than ever before.
My mother comes with me and reassures me. Everything will be okay. We wander around Oxford Street and take in the lights. We eat jacket potatoes and then it is on to the College. As we are walking in the dark, we nearly get lost, then I find the right road that leads to the College. Memories play games with my mind. I had lived here for a year in my twenties. I was so young then. I clutch at a stone to get rid of anxiety and walk into the book shop. Suddenly, I see Susie. She is shocked to see me, but pleasantly surprised. I have not seen her in years. She used to be in the class above me.
I find out that the College closed down officially in the summer, through lack of students. There would be no more eurythmy for me. I am so very sad to hear this news.
In a dream, Bella told me to come back here; I realise my spiritual experiences don’t always match reality.
I look in front of me. There is Hikari! She gives me a warm hug. I sent her a not very nice text when I was ill but she does not seem to remember. We seemed to have at least cleared the air, and are amicable to each other. Then I see Haydn and he says, “The other day I found your card.” He had a cold and mechanical air about him and I saw no point in chatting on, as there is no school anymore and he is going to Germany to teach.
I light a candle on the stage, then sit with my mum quietly in the theatre. I was the first one to graduate here, so long ago now.
The eurythmy starts; I had forgotten how beautiful it was. I don’t see many dancers that I used to know. I realise by watching this it will always have a place in my heart, but it is not the same without Bella. This was a 45-minute performance in memory of those who have died. It goes very quickly. I talk to Susie briefly, then mum and I decide to make our way home. On our journey back, I feel tears longing to leave me. That night is a heavy one as memories push and pull on my heart. It is not meant to be. Maybe it is all over? But I’ve got a feeling something else will turn up. I guess it always does.
Susie is one of the nicest people I have ever known. She lives in Sussex, and was a great support to me through my training. When I was in tears, she came up to me and said, “Everybody finds it hard.”
It just so happened that I mentioned my dad still had his place in Surrey and a couple of weeks later, I received a card from Susie with a photograph of me as a young dancer, lined up with the others. When I received it, a strange thing happened; I burst into tears. I saw myself as young and full of hope for the future. I sent her a card with my number on it, and she eventually phoned me. Susie invited me to come and see her. I want to reminisce about old times, it will be lovely and who knows what I will find out.
She had a typical Steiner house, she was pleasant and we had delightful conversations, but it was clear that nothing was the same as when I was young. I saw a picture of Bella, but it made me sad. We spoke about old times, as if trying to replicate them. But who knows what will happen in the future? You just never know.
Marcia Lake (c) 2017 – 2018
You can purchase Marcia Lake’s books on Amazon: Grace, Under The Ivy & Beauty and Truth: Poetry From The Heart.
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